Down the marzipan...

When embarking on this hobby, I underestimated how much money it would cost. Why couldn’t running be my hobby? I’ll tell you why...I tried the 0-5k challenge back in January. Three weeks my running career lasted before I had to retire. I’m not an athletic person at all but this was beyond ridiculous. After following the sound advice “run through it” from my skinny best friend (who’s obviously good at running) and then a rather creepy rub down from the running coach, I found myself on crutches and popping naproxen like they were smarties. I don’t know why I was surprised by this. Once I tried a Body Pump class and my muscles were so weak when I got out I could barely put my seatbelt on. As for getting out the bath that night...not a chance! There we have it, I’ve ended up a baker. For anyone thinking of giving it a go, don’t bother. It makes you fat and skint. Especially when you have bright ideas like doing the GBBO technical challenge every week. Even after baking this week, I still have absolutely no idea what I have made. What I do know is that I’ve spent £10 on bloody pistachio nuts alone! Who the hell does that? Unfortunately, I’m a little late blogging this week. The stress levels in the Turner household have hit an all time high. Highchair is still the biggest trigger but this, along with a stinking cold and some new teeth on their way has caused chaos! Not feeling well myself, my husband suggested I go and eat my dinner in the lounge one night, to which I very immaturely shouted at him. NO ONE IS LEAVING THE TABLE UNTIL WE’RE ALL FINISHED! What an idiot I am, why didn’t I just go in the lounge, eat in peace and catch up on Love Island Australia? So after an early night for us all on Wednesday, I decided that I would get to the Technical last night. Still none the wiser on what I was making, I set the timer. 2 hours 15 mins. This week, my husband suggested using one of his cameras to film me doing it. Here we go, I thought. For the past 6 years or so, he has taken an interest in cameras. Just before every holiday we’ve got booked he starts talking about a new one. He of course denies that this happens. We’ve got a holiday coming up in 2 weeks and we were in bed the other night doing what every couple does, browsing our phones and not communicating. While I sit there on social media, finding myself on my friends, friends, cousins, boyfriends Facebook profile, or googling random illnesses that I think I might have, my husband has other things to look at. Nothing untoward, that’s not my style of blogging so don’t panic. No, he’s looking at bloody cameras again!!!! He’s just got the best phone ever for taking photos apparently. I will admit it is good, makes me look much fresher than I ever am. However, he now wants to learn how to take those photo’s, rather than just using a filter. Last week, during my Technical challenge I looked up and into the garden and he was running round in the dark with said phone in his hand. He was waving his arms round that much I felt like his arm was going to come out of its socket. Something to do with lights...who knows. Anyway, I agreed we’d give the filming a go and he set up the “fake GoPro, that’s better than our previous GoPro” on a little tripod! Do you know I actually start by saying ‘On your marks, get set, bake’. Loser. Started by making the marzipan. Not a fan of marzipan as it is but when you’re spending that much money nuts it’s even worse! Seemed ok though. On to the Genoise sponge, apparently you’re supposed to whisk the eggs and sugar together for a while before adding everything else. Took my eyes off it for a minute. Over-whisked! Not confident but I popped it in the oven anyway. Moved on to the crème au beurre, which is essentially buttercream with some vile alcohol in! Had to use some spinach water that I’d squeezed through an old Muslin square. Hopefully the vomit and dribble had been well and truly washed away from this. Then with this water I had to melt sugar and bring to the boil. Burnt, start again! Finally managed to sort and whisked this up with some egg whites, butter and of course more nuts. As previously mentioned, I sample everything. I nearly needed that Muslin for my own vomit. I’ve clearly had a bad experience with Kirsch before because even the smell of it made me feel as green as the spinach! Finally sponge is done. Very thin. No chance of getting three layers. In goes another one then. MORE NUTS! Next sponge awful. Decided to go with first one but only had two layers. I have to keep reminding myself, I will never have the Paul Hollywood handshake in my kitchen so it doesn’t actually matter if I don’t have enough layers. Sponge constructed. Time for marzipan. At this point it is very tough and needed a lot of kneading. Finally managed to use all my muscles to roll it out. Thank god I hadn’t been to Body Pump, or there would have been no chance. Then time for dressing. Two minutes to go and I’m pouring something that looks like the slime my niece was playing with earlier on in the day. Far too watery. Topped with a few more bloody nuts (of course) and then unfortunately no flowers, as these were nowhere to be seen in the shop. Time! I’ve done it. Looks horrendous. Tastes horrendous. They said on GBBO that this cake was special to Monet but I think they read their script wrong. The only thing special for this is bloody money!!! Somewhere along the way I accidentally knocked the tripod off. I picked it up and put it back into place, assuming all was fine. As soon I got upstairs my husband noticed that I had snapped the case. Looks like he’s in for some more internet shopping. Standard. I have let others have a sample and I’ve had mixed reviews. This blog is about honesty so I better say that my brother-in-law has just had some and actually ran outside to spit it out. Not sure I’ll be making this again. This cake is as green as my sons snot and phlegm! Not appetising at all. Money and cake going straight down the pan. Straight down the marzipan. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed for a better week all round next week!!!